Trying To Find My Peace Of Mind

I feel like I'm going fucking crazy. I woke up today in a funk (like usual), had some breakfast, put some TV on... and suddenly couldn't stop moving. I was jittering and twitching and jiggling my legs. I laid on the couch and felt my thoughts racing and racing, I clutched a couch cushion and cried into it. Pretty soon I had to get UP, I had to do something, anything, but I wasn't thinking and I didn't have my mind. I walked up and down the hallway, into the living room, detoured the kitchen. Paced that route for a good hour running most of the time, feeling like my head was ripping itself apart. 

My mother and gramma got home and I sat on the couch with my gramma, talking with her and I didn't even realise I was talking faster and faster until she looked at me funny. I tried to slow down but I couldn't, I just shut up and stop talking and jiggled my legs. I begged my mother to help me, with something, anything - everything is too much. Too much. She called some psychiatrist offices and left my phone number with their answering services. 

My mother said she was going to the store to pick up wine, and I immediately told her I was going with her. I thought getting out of the house sounded like a GREAT idea, I was suddenly euphoric. My gran went with us and I was UP and UP and UP. I spent the entire half hour or so we were in the grocery store just running around, being distracted - flirting. Nattering on and on. 

Then we got home, and I crashed through the fucking floor. I went from a hundred miles per hour to zero so fast that I don't know what hit me. I slept for two hours and woke up feeling like shit, paced in the kitchen. I feel so fucking crazy I do not know how to cope. And on top of it all I'm starting to feel paranoid. Fucking fantastic.

-Z

It's Hard To Say I Do When I Don't

So, I have been awake for about thirty six hours now.  I'm approaching my previous record (38) and I plan to surpass it and have stayed up 40 hours!  Whoo!

Yeah.  There's sincerely no point to this.  Basically I just like staying up for stupid amounts of time because the manic euphoria I get from doing so feels so much better to me than my usual depressed lethargy.  Also, I know it's really bad for me, so I get to feel naughty the whole time, and if I feel naughty I get to pretend someone's going to do something about it.  Oh yeah, didn't I mention this was a spanko blog too?  Well, it is. I guess this is more of an introductory post than my first post which was really a depression vent.  But I digress. 

I've imagine very vividly, more than once today, that whenever I get to the end of this "staying up" spell...  It's not just going to be me going to bed and finally succumbing to sleep of my own volition.  It's going to be me, walking into my bedroom and confessing to my top that I have done something very unhealthy...  I'll get a very sound spanking and promptly sent to bed.  :)  Yeah, I would much rather pretend that is going to happen instead of the entirely boring reality...

But hey!  I was a freakin' hoot for about ten hours. Seriously.  I was charming and funny and sent lots of very cute snapchats, helpful, and productive...  Helped my mother get the dog to the groomer's and did several very overdue loads of laundry.  I have no idea why I ever bother sleeping at all. 

-Z